am i guilty?

how would it be like if one day someone came up to u and tell u that because of u, his/her life has changed entirely? when all they could think of is u, all great pleasures in life can't be enjoyed because they kept comparing it to u or what it's like if u were apart of it. how would u feel?? will it make u feel guilty for making those decisions in the past? would it make u feel like crap?

all i could say is i'm sorry, but not once, not even after i know all this, will i regret what i did. i never regret anything in my past because i believe that there's always a reason to it. even tho u'd say that i should, and if i'm not that i'm a horrible person, i couldn't care less. coz i know, if i've done differently, i won't be here right now, knowing you, him, her and them. and for that, i am thankful enough for not having any regrets. ;)

Internetless

so susah.. no internet at home :(
no updates soon. hopefully after New Years..

what i've been doin?
let's see.. club, club, drink, more clubs.. sleep eat and i go jogging jugak
eat sleep eat sleep
design the interior of my new home :) it was fun but tiring..
shopping, baking and then eat again..
hehe ;p
hang out at the beach taking poyo pictures.. well...
long phone conversations with sayang.. uh.. saya rindoo kamoo!!

so far, it has been fun and boring at the same time.
but still, appreciating every second of it.

it's going up now

... is it? probably.. it's about time.. ;)

Am I too old???!!

job hunting day.. went to a shopping mall. not really ready to be doing something in the professional world. ;p
so, i went and ask this one tiny gift shop.

'hi, mek mok apply k keja kosong ya (pointing to the vacancy notice)' (translation: hi, i wana apply for the job.)
she looked at me and say, 'sapa nok mok keja?' (who's the one applying?)
duhhhhhh~~!! didn't i said me?? 'kamek la..'
the 2 girls behind the counter looked at each other and gave me THE face. that face which said, can't you see how old you are. cis cis cis....!!! then they said, 'boss mek kat KK. try kol nombo sia la.' (my boss is in KK, try calling that number there laaa.)

sigh.. i think i went to all the shops with 'VACANCY' at their entrance. aaaaaa!!! and this 50 year old PC i'm using at the internet cafe here ain't helping my mood.

sigh.. again.. sigh..

He's the one..

Not everyone's there through the bad times, but most of them are there through the good times. they stay long, but when they see that i'm falling, they kept their distance. i have all the obvious ups and downs in life. i know when i'm in the ups and when i'm all the way down. now, i'm down. new people appear in my life during this part of my life, one or two at least. most of those from my good times went by, fade away, drift more and more in distance. but one, stayed. not because he's have that title, but because he's a friend, a true friend. he stayed all the way through. he held my hand all the way. he's he. he's the one.

I Love You.

Always...

-Love-

Mr. Love

my Mr. Love.. miss him loads :( and he's there having fun with someone else's tits. =_="
wish i was there too.. sigh

Chicken soup.. i took this when i was 'there'. now i'm strong ;)

When an emotional injury takes place,
the body begins a process
as natural as the healing
of a physical wound.

Let the process happen.
Trust that nature
will do the healing.

Know that the pain will pass,
and, when it passes,
you will be stronger,
happier; more sensitive and aware.

Mel Colgrove
from How to Survive the Loss of a Love

Akibat curi2 rokok

Since there's no other interesting 'whatever' happening in my life lately, this one tops the most interesting moments for the last 2 months of my life. hahaha!

So, kids.. don't curi2 smoke when your parents are at home. although you know that they were sleeping, the slightest sound around can make you run like a frighten mouse. hahahahaha!

Lesson learn: stop smoking, if you haven't start, don't. it can hurt you then slowly kills you. ;)

(i'm stopping. just not yet. shut up!)

Is it Love, Mr. Right?

i read a note-post in my facebook by a friend of mine. She said that, if your other half have all this...

" is it easy to be together?

do you have good physical chemistry?

do you have fun together?

do you feel safe with him, knowing that he won't lie, hurt you, humiliate or abandon you?

and do you respect him as he is right now (and does he in turn respect you)?"

(which she quoted from Mira Kirshenbaum, author of "Is He Mr Right?"), then he's Mr. Right. reading that it really made me think bout, of course, my Mr. Love.

is it easy to be together? - if easy, as in it's easy to be with or see each other any time of the day, whenever we want to, then it's not. to fly that 3 hours flight across the South China Sea to him is not, and i repeat, NOT CHEAP! but as far as the relationship goes, other than being apart it ain't that hard compared to my other Mr. I-thought-was-Mr-Right. then again, it's not easy to be together.. :(

do you have good physical chemistry? - YES (no elaboration needed) ;p

do you have fun together? - yes yes yes and yes.. that's how we fell for each other. ;)

do you feel safe with him, knowing that he won't lie, hurt you, humiliate or abandon you? - now this, was the question that made me stop a while and think back through all those unpleasant moments we had. but, being in a relationship you have to be fair and one thing for sure is that my Mr. Love and i believe that fairness can solve everything. easy.. before doing or say anything, put yourself in your partner's shoes. if upon doing that you surely won't get hurt, then, if you partner end up, one day, doing or saying that thing, you have no rights whatsoever, to get mad or say, "i'm hurt.." and give that face. fair right? but being the naturally emotional creature on earth, no matter how you think you won't get hurt with what you're about to do, eventually when they were the one doing it, you or rather us girls will surely crush. how can we know he won't lie? or hurt us? of course not humiliate us la, if that's so you'd be stupid to be drooling over that guy who actually have the heart to humiliate his own girlfriend. and abandon you? how to be sure? i think i have to come up with a contract or make him actually swear that he'll make me feel safe, won't lie or hurt me and even won't humiliate or abandon me. ;p will it be fair? then i'll have to do the same. sigh.. i have no answer to this one. :(

and do you respect him as he is right now (and does he in turn respect you)? - yes and yes. ;)

if, says the author, any one of the above point is missing, then he's not Mr Right.

so.. ??

Oh what a long day..

it was a slow day today. sunday. i can't get any sleep till 4pm this evening. i tried sleeping just before church, around 7-ish am but i ended up finishing the last round of Blockbreaker on my mobbie.. and bout just before 9am, my family and i were heading for the church. it was an hour or so and i was really really looking forward to the comfort of my bed and the cool wind from the fan directly to my body when mummy broke the news.

''Father's coming over for family blessing."

here's how i see it.. good: yeay blessing for me too since i'm still waiting for a reply from company P, bad: there goes my bedtime. oh....!!! so then, of course Evan have that 'look' on her face but Rev Fr Peter Hwang came over and chat a little showed off some of his pictures during his priestly ordination, then.. the blessing. i can't really catch his words during the blessing (you just hardly hear what they're mumbling about during blessings anyway) but i heard 'job'. hahaha! yes yes.. and that goes to this;

i got a call from company S. ;)

but.....................................

company S: Are you sponsored by company P?
me: Yea.. but..
company S: Ooo.. it's hard you know. how many years are you bonded with them? do you have to pay them back? are they gonna call you??
me: Ha? er.. 10 years and..
company S: Waaa! 10 years ah.. aiyo. course my company is doing .... (yada yada yada.. she went on for about 10 minutes explaining what her company is doing, what the job's about lalala)
me: Oo.. interesting lah.. but that's why la, i can't give you any confirmation yet since i am still suppose to be looking forward to their call. but what if..
company S: (she just won't give that chance!) Like this like this.. this is a specialist job so if possible i want you to come for the interview and join my company (waaa her company.. the manager herself call me meh??) but you need a black and white from company P to make sure they can release you first. if can then i'll call you in for the interview. where are you now?
me: Marudi
company S: ha?
me: Sarawak.
company S: Ooo.. so can you confirm with company P?

then... i had my time explaining how i was suppose to wait till 6 month then i'm entitle to get out of the bond with, of course, some agreement or something like that la. i'm yet to read that bundle of contract. but finally she said it so nicely, better than i could ever thought, "Please let me know right after you get any news about the release from company P then i'll arrange something and you can come to the interview anytime..."

owww... now at lease i feel like my market naik sikit. hahaha! ;p

but, yeah. after i hang up it was back to reality. sure got something ni.. specialist, high end telecommunication contracts, tension lines.. pay? stress work level? oh..~! it left me thinking there for a while, not knowing what to do next or what to think. at that moment, mummy's text came in to pick her and Rev Fr at one of the church member's house.

on the way back from that i told mummy.

"But how if company P call? aiyaa... just wait la.."

...

"Later you work you no time to rest. dno la. just wait la. until company P call. they sure call one.."

...

Reach home. still speechless. i have no money, no options, nothing to do at home besides eat sleep and shit. back to nothing. i went up, looked at my unpacked beg. sigh.. maybe it's time to unpack my stuff after 2 months, with no new or any signs that i'm flying anywhere. it's about time. so i spent the next 2 hours emptying my closet and packing all the old-unwanted-dirty-dried-up-but-still-can-use clothes (which were mine of course and to be donated to the kampungs up river), and arranged mine in. it was 4pm.

Exhausted and nothing else to do, i glance into the mirror and saw a panda. went to shower, wrapped my hair with the towel and grabbed the latest book i'm reading 'The Secret', and head to my parents room. it's cooler there. ;p

I don't think i even finished a page when i was already dreaming bout.. wait.. i can't remember. anyway, by the time i woke up it was already 10pm and yeah, Evan was there with that look again telling me Amai's outside sleeping. I don't know why but my friends would have just bumped in and cuddled in the other side of the bed. my dad? hmm... guess we ain't that close.

I went back to my room, trying to continue sleeping but my tummy was already singing some punk-rock tunes. by this time, there's nothing on the kitchen table so the only option was to eat out. too lazy to take a shower (it was freakin' cold), my sisters and i went out and tapau food. drove back, eat and watch some tv while waiting for Evan finish using the pc.

then now, here i am, and it's only 12 midnight. can a day go any slower than this???

thank you if you read this. oh what a long boring day, don't you think?

Pusuk depression

I slept at 11am
woke up at 7pm
sat in front of the telly for a while
thinking bout that stupid ending of Dancing Days
how stupid? they went of on a Honda kapchai at the age of..
I don't know, old.
with nothing to do, i went down
took the pusuk container
clean every one of them, taking their head off
my mind was empty.
it went on for an hour plus
dah habis.. now what?
i took a bath and came online.
now i'm hungry. sigh..
boring..

p/s: pusuk is ikan bilis in Sarawak language. just fyi.

The tiniest of life

Just some shots I'd love to share..

Updates from time to time

A day in Bario

Briefly.. Bario. Went there for just a day a night, just to keep my mum company. She was there for a work trip. It ain't that fun but my God, Bario did took my breath away. It's just sad that I didn't have the chance to see more of it, but for a day trip, I guess it was OK. Surely, definitely, going again the second time.

This was our ride / flight. ;p
MasWings.
It's the same kinda plane we use flying from Marudi to Miri then Miri to Bario. There wasn't any flight going straight from Marudi to Bario that day, so, yea we too that one. Don't ever try to walk back and forth in the plane while it's in the air. You get all bouncy and really, just can't hold your balance. I did look a lil like a fool doing that just to take this following shot! darn!

This was actually took on the flight back to Marudi. Same thing.. Tomato tomato..

So, there, since my mum's giving a talk on how to score in Maths for the PMR students there, we got the first class stay. Yep yep! See, this is the room.

So nice and cozy.. Air-cond not included. But seriously, who needs them. Unless you wanna end up dead with hypothermia (or something like that - I know I heard it once in Grey's Anatomy!) then go ahead.

We arrived Bario at around 2pm I think. Our flight from Marudi was delayed cause of the weather. It was too windy and cloudy or something like that. Anyway.. upon arrival, one of my mum's friend came with a motorcycle, which obviously we 3 can't get on so she arranged a 4WD to take us to the school. On the way.. check out some of the views.

Look at those blue skies. Ohh! It was a lil muddy. Baru lepas hujan. But the good thing was, it wasn't that cold. Oh and of cause, with such cool weather, the grass were greener and the flowers were colorful! Check out the school..

There's more but it's too colorful, hence too large. Haha! No lah.. I'll upload more later. The internet connection is kinda slow tonight. Oh oh.. and that last picture there, was taken in front of the little cottage (teachers' quarters ;p) where we stayed in.

That night we had a few drinks, the teachers organized a mini-BBQ for my mum, chats.. then at about 3am I think, we called it a night. It was too cold to be staying awake.

That morning, we had to rush to the airport for the 9am flight. There wasn't enough time to walk around or go to the beautiful lalang hill behind out place cause it took me ages to brush my teeth. The water was freezing cold so I had to boil some to.. you know, do my stuff.

On the way, we had the famous bubur bario and coffee for breakfast before taking the bumpy ride on 2 motorcycles to the airport. My 'driver' was a 15 year old boy and he's really good at riding that bike on the muddy lane with me occasionally screamed 'look out!' or just a blank short one whenever I get mud on my jeans from the splash. Of cause he just grinned. Cis cis cis! Oh, and I so so so pity my pinkly (my a-day-old pair of pink slipper I bought just before the flight ;p). And so, the journey ends. But though it was a short one, it was enough to make me want more. I definitely am going back to Bario and experience more..

I will..

Hmm.. I wonder when. Sigh..

The Secret - Ashley Hay

'The sun may shine upon a bit of broken glass till it glitters like a diamond,
but then if you take it up,
you will only cut your fingers.'
Lady Caroline Lamb

Life

''they say we leave this world just the way we came into it.. naked and alone.
so if we do leave with nothing, what then, is the measure of a life?
is it define by the people we choose to love?
or is life simply the measure of our accomplishments?
and what is we failed? or never truly loved?
what then?
can we ever measure up?.." - One Tree Hill 605

it's annoying when..

every time u go online there's this one bastard pm u right away and say 'hi.. how r u? free to chat?'. every single time u go online in a day, even when u just got dc for a minute. freak! (of coz this applies to those yg u baru kenal or just added in ym. yeah.. first few days they were nice and say 'i just wanna be your friend' or 'i got ur id from ___ (someone really close to u that u would think that ur-that-friend would give ur id to a freak)'. u know what i mean??!!)

ugly-money-less guys on motorcycles start 'ciut-cuiting' and saying stuffs like 'aiee.. sombongnye. apa nama? cik adik cantik.. boleh berkenalan..?'. why ain't there guys in suits in their bmws' goin around doing that???

my bf insist me on watching thriller movies when clearly i can't. no, i don't want!!! :(

i kill one mosquito then 4 more came buzzing around my ears. oh, and when they bite my tapak kaki. urgh!

it's too quiet.

small children cry wanting something in the middle of everyone in a mall. very.. annoying..

adults trying to be cute with kids. it really just make u look stupid u know, goin ba! ba!. arse..

i wake up hungry yet b4 bed i ate 2 bungkus nasi lemak. where did it all go???!!

after i say something and ppl ask 'why?' over and over again. i did that.. when i was 2. i'm not 2 anymore and so r u.

ppl ask me where i'm going.. and with who.. and doing what.. and...

*to be updated from time to time.. ;)
*taken from my facebook. let's see what kinda hits we get here!

layout edited!

dah..
penat..
pening..
mata juling..

Thanks for the idea

nyiah..
and i'm on blogspot.com

call me adelinervity coz that's 2/3rd of my full name. yep yep..
i'm 23 and jobless (for now..) and this will keep me busy.
born and brought up in Marudi, Sarawak.

thanks to Mr. Bon Bon on my facebook, i declare this blog..

officially open! ;p

(he just got tired of my notes on facebook ;p)